Why I want another baby.

You told me it would get better. You promised me I would sleep again someday. You told me that he wouldn’t cry forever. I had no ability to see past the dark sleepless postpartum hole I was in. Then one day, I was out. The sun was shining and my little baby boy was laughing more than he was crying. It got better, I am sleeping, he doesn’t always cry. Being a mom is freakin’ awesome you guys!

I swore I’d never do it again. I was positive that I could never put my body through birth again. I was positive my heart and mind could not handle postpartum depression again. I was positive Waylon would be an only child. Now I am not so sure. I think I can do it again, I think I WANT to do it again. But why, if I hated giving birth and having a newborn, would I want to do it again? I AM a mom. Before, when I was trying to adjust to all of the newness that is motherhood I felt I would fail. I didn’t fail. I AM A MOM. I don’t have to wonder if I can do it. I know I can do it. I AM doing it.

A few things I HOPE to do differently when, God willing, we decide to have another baby:
-I will not be afraid to ask questions.
-I will hire a doula.
-I will attend La Leche League meetings
-I will use a midwife
-I will try not to eat everything under the sun
-I will track my macro nutrients during pregnancy
-I will be patient with myself, my baby, Waylon and Justin
-I will look at Waylon during the hard times and remember it gets so much better.

Having Waylon has turned my life upside down in the most amazing way. There are times when I don’t think my heart can fit anymore love, and then he sticks his big toe in his mouth and giggles... and I melt. I never thought I would be a stay at home mom, that was not what I wanted. Today, all I want is to be present every second of everyday. I am so blessed to be able to spend all of my time with my little boy. I get to watch him grow every second. It is bittersweet because he is growing so fast. This time is fleeting and I realize that. I went from total darkness to total joy in matter of months. Motherhood is unlike anything else. It is just... motherhood. 

I never wanted to be a mom. I never wanted to be a stay at home mom. I never wanted another kid. … What I want is not always what God sees fit for my life. Here I am. I am a mom. I am a stay at home mom. I am a mom who is currently dreaming of a bigger family.