The Newborn Stage has passed at last!

Call me a bad mom, but the newborn stage was not my cup of tea. Even more so, the new-mom stage was not for me! I turn into a complete basket case when anything new and challenging presents itself. This has been a great fact for me my entire life. I walk into nearly every situation with doubt and fear. That is how I entered motherhood... doubtful and fearful. Those first couple months were far from enjoyable. Justin tells me today that he was picturing himself as a single dad because he thought he'd have to commit me to a nut house. Yes it was that bad. I was a W.R.E.C.K.

I read somewhere that a baby is considered a newborn from birth until 3 months of age. Well around month two I started to gain some sanity back. There was some joy in my day and I could see the darling light in my son's eyes. Physically I was feeling a little better and able to do more. Braving the outside world I ventured to the stores wearing a sleeping baby boy at my chest. Things were still hard, but I was adjusting. I still wasn't sleeping at all, but I was functioning. I only felt like a basket case about half of the time, which seemed to be quite an improvement.

Then Waylon turned 3 months old. My baby boy was no longer a newborn. I don't know if anyone would have believed he was just in that category because he was wearing 9 month sized clothes at this point! I have myself a big ol' baby! His smiles and laughs became more frequent, and motherhood started to feel like a good fit. Kind of like a pair of running shoes that seem to hurt more than they help for the first while. After you break them in it is like running on pillows. Motherhood finally started to fit and feel comfortable.

On Christmas day Waylon turned 4 months old. This is my favorite month so far! I finally find myself begging him to stop growing. I want to take in every facial expression. I want to breathe in the smell of his hair and kiss his soft little hands. Every moment feels fleeting and I am trying so hard to experence it all, terrified that I am missing something. Here it finally is, what all of those other moms have been talking about. It took me longer than most to get here, but I am here. Now I am scared to be anywhere else. Motherhood finally IS me. I am a mom. It's not a role, or something I am trying to make work. I AM. I don't know how to be anything else. I don't want to be anything else.

I finally feel human. I can exercise. I can sleep. I can be a part of. I can enjoy. All because of my growing baby boy. He has given me all of those things. He has grown so much. I can sleep because he sleeps. I can exercise because he is patient and easier to care for. I can be a part of because he can come with me. I can enjoy because he is so enjoyable.

I must say the only thing I miss from that blur of a newborn stage is the rooting reflex. He would try to find a nipple everywhere and anywhere. We called it rootin' tootin'. I do miss that. Other than rootin' and tootin' I will happily say goodbye to that newborn. I am in awe of my growing baby boy and his developing skills and personality. I am a better mom to this 4 month old than I was a few months ago. Today I want nothing more than to be present and I pray that I don't miss a single thing. ... Hello motherhood, I have arrived.